"No swimming!"

"No swimming!"

台灣英語網1.0 » 週五 8月 21, 2015 4:57 pm

Please help me to correct the mistakes of my article about (看圖寫作).

Topic: "No swimming!"

The weather was very hot last Sunday, so I decided to go swimming in a river in a country side. I felt very excited and jumped into the river very quickly. Suddenly, I felt that I was too tired to swim. I drank a lot of water and almost couldn't breathe. I got very nervous and scared. Therefore, I tried to shout out “Help! Help!” loudly.

Fortunately, a kind man wearing a short T-shirt and long pants walked by and heard my voice. He was very brave and threw a rope into the river to save me out of the water. After that, he was so angry with me because there was a sign near the river which says, “No swimming!”

I learned a lesson from this, that is, before we go swimming, don't forget to make sure the swimming area is safe. Besides, it is better for us to do some warm-up exercise in advance. We can also invite our friends to go swimming with us instead of swimming alone in an unfamiliar place.
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Re: "No swimming!"

台灣英語網1.0 » 週五 8月 21, 2015 4:58 pm

Your article is very nicely written. Good job! 雖然有錯誤的地方,但是整體的結構很好,在事件發生的交代上也很清楚。以下我只列出錯誤和建議的地方:

P1.
error:
country side --> countryside

建議:
我注意到你常用therefore(其他文章裡頭)。最好是改用so...或是其他較尋常的字,因為therefore用在這裡過於正式與強烈。therefore主要是邏輯性的歸納上的用語,而你的文章性質主要是在描述事情的發生而不是在做學術性/邏輯上的結果推論,所以用therefore不大好,讀起來也不順。

www.dictionary.com, therefore
adv 1: (used to introduce a logical conclusion) from that fact or reason or as a result; "therefore X must be true"; "the eggs were fresh and hence satisfactory"; "we were young and thence optimistic"; "it is late and thus we must go"; "the witness is biased and so cannot be trusted" [syn: hence, thence, thus] 2: as a consequence ......

P2.
error:
..to save me out of the water --> “...to save me. (period)” or “ ...and saved me.” or “.. to save me from drowning.” or “ to pull me out of water.”

其他改進:
1....a short T-shirt and long pants ... 首先是short是否有必要? A T-shirt is a T-shirt.除非這人的T-shirt真的很短,只有半截露出肚臍那種,不然的話不需要寫short。另外就是long,要標明是長褲倒是無可厚非,只是穿長褲(and T-shirt)的人很常見,不大需要刻意寫出來。我的建議是把wearing.....pants整個刪掉。
2. says --> “said” or “read” 比較safe(不會被扣分)。

P3.
Ok.
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Re: "No swimming!"

台灣英語網1.0 » 週五 8月 21, 2015 4:58 pm

引文:
djyang 寫道:

建議:
我注意到你常用therefore(其他文章裡頭)。最好是改用so...或是其他較尋常的字,因為therefore主要是邏輯性的歸納上的用語,而你的文章性質主要是在描述事情的發生而不是在做學術性/邏輯上的結果推論,所以用therefore不大好,讀起來也不順。



Q: Therefore (因此;所以)的同義字有諸如:so, consequently, hence, thus, as a result.....等, 請問除了so是較一般性的表達外, 其餘的四個也是嗎? Thank you!
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Re: "No swimming!"

台灣英語網1.0 » 週五 8月 21, 2015 4:58 pm

The weather was very hot last Sunday, so I decided to go swimming in a river in [*a*]the countryside. I felt very excited and jumped into the river very quickly. Suddenly, I felt that I was too tired to swim. I drank a lot of water and almost couldn't breathe. I got very nervous and scared, so I tried to shout out“Help! Help!”loudly.

Fortunately, a kind man walked by and heard my voice. He was very brave [*and threw*] to throw a rope into the river to save me from drowning. After that, he was so angry with me because there was a sign near the river which said,“No swimming!”

I learned a lesson from this, that is, before we go swimming, don't forget to make sure the swimming area is safe. Besides, it is better for us to do some warm-up exercise in advance. We can also invite our friends to go swimming with us instead of swimming alone in an unfamiliar place.
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Re: "No swimming!"

台灣英語網1.0 » 週五 8月 21, 2015 4:58 pm

補充你的訂正:

1) countryside用作名詞時是不可數, 冠詞不可用a, 應說in the countryside.
countryside當形容詞用時, 前面才可以加a, 但那是針對其後面的名詞, 例如in a countryside environment.

in a river in a countryside (x)
in a river in the countryside (o)
in a countryside river (o)

2) He was very brave and threw a rope into the river...
這是"He was very brave"與"He threw a rope into the river"兩句以and合併, 雖然並非不可, 但不很適當, 因為這二動作並無明顯的對等性、因果性或順序性. 可以改成單一句子(捨棄連接詞), 建議幾種寫法:
→ He was very brave to throw a rope into the river...
或 He was brave enough to throw a rope into the river...
或 He bravely threw a rope into the river...
或 He was so brave that he threw a rope into the river...
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Re: "No swimming!"

台灣英語網1.0 » 週五 8月 21, 2015 4:58 pm

引文: Q: Therefore (因此;所以)的同義字有諸如:so, consequently, hence, thus, as a result.....等, 請問除了so是較一般性的表達外, 其餘的四個也是嗎? Thank you!

這部份不大好解釋。我在讀英文的時候是把腦子"切換到英文模式"直接讀英文,一些問題很容易一眼看出來,但是要用中文解釋為什麼就比較麻煩,因為我不能單用我的英文想法來回答,許多字的中文和英文意思和使用範圍不是那麼清楚的一對一的相對應。這問題如果只用中文想法來看(以中文來找 英文翻譯),那麼會很難清楚了解。我只能盡力把這差別寫清楚,如果還是不懂或是看得"霧煞煞"就不會理會這篇,你日後總是會了解的。

你所提的Q有問題的地方是在於你用therefore去找同義字。中文上這字是"因此;所以",在中文上"因此;所以"用在原句很自然,但是在英文上卻不是。therefore是適合用在"邏輯因果"性質上的"因此;所以",比如這情況: 因為X=1,Y=2,Z = 3,"所以/因此"XYZ = 6. 時間順序上的交代反而不是那麼重要。


而你文章裡頭的這部份:
I got very nervous and scared. Therefore, I tried to shout out “Help! Help!” loudly.

"therefore"前後句子的關係並不是"只有"因果邏輯上的關係,它們之間還有時間順序上的關係。在時間上,第二句發生的時間緊跟在第一句之後,在英文上比較強調這個。

打個比方:
My alarm went off. (先發生)
I got up. (後發生; 也是因為鬧鐘響的關係)

哪一個(直接用英文)讀起來較自然:
My alarm went off. Therefore, I got up.
My alarm went off, and then I got up.

在英文上,第一句像是中文的"我思故我在"的感覺。有錯嗎? No. 正確嗎? Yes,只是一般人(英文人士)在日常情況中不會這樣子用。一些較適合的場合,比如哲學探討,一些特殊的專題,或是一個主題最後的總結時。但是這兩個事件是屬於日常生活上會發生的事,在敘述上也因此較適合用日常生活敘述法,所以不適合用第一句的寫法。第二句的話是一般日常用法,較自然,雖然沒有強調這兩個事件的因果關係,但是讀者(英語人士)在讀的時後自然會體會到。

日常生活中,一串事情發生下來往往有因果關係,英語人士在述說時往往按照時間順序一件件的描述,這時重點在於強調時間順序發生上(尤其是當時間靠得很近時)而不是在事件和事件之間的因果邏輯關係。我們中文的"因此;所以"偏偏在這兩種場合都可以用,還用得很自然,所以當你以"中文觀念"直接轉成英文時就會出現這種"在英文上也沒錯,但是就是不自然"的寫法和用字。


原句改用so之後:
I got very nervous and scared, so I tried to shout out "Help". (最尋常; so 是連接詞)

Oxford American English:
so, conj.(連接詞): 3. and then (強調事件的時間發生順序)

如果要另外點出因果關係的話可以這樣子寫:

I got very nervous and scared, so I tried to shout out "Help"(,) consequently.
I got very nervous and scared, so I tried to shout out "Help"(,) as a result.

(這裡的so都可以代換成and then)

--------------

一個適合用therefore的例子:
前文: 有人問或是想要解釋為什麼這麼怕去泳池。接下來的內容描述之前差點在泳池溺斃,交代清楚後最後的結尾:

I was almost drowned, and therefore, I never get close to a swimming pool again.

這時therefore的前後子句主要就是因果邏輯關係,在時間順序上,第二個子句除了交代"不靠近泳池"是後來的事之外(因為用現在式),就沒有再交代是哪個特定時間 -- 因為都是!

這句也可以用so

I was almost drowned, so I never get close to a swimming pool again.

但是不能用 and then (因為需要接一個有清楚交代時間點的子句): I was almost drowned, and then I never get close to a swimming pool again.
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Re: "No swimming!"

台灣英語網1.0 » 週五 8月 21, 2015 4:58 pm

countryside雖然是不可屬名詞,但是不代表不能用 a。在文法上當要特別對一個不可屬名詞限定範圍,這時可以用 a 。比如

Iowa's Credible Data Law
www.iowadnr.com/water/tmdlwqa/wqa/credibledata.html

".....
c. A water of the state shall not be placed on any section 303(d) list if the impairment is caused solely by violations of national pollutant discharge elimination system program permits or stormwater permits issued pursuant to section 455B.103A and the enforcement of the pollution control measures is required.
...."

"A water"指的是一個水源, a water body(包含池塘,水井,某處偵測得到的地下水等等。路邊積水不算),用a water來代表任一個已經找到/有記錄的水源,或是未來會找到的水源。然後此文的"A water"專指在Iowa州內的一個如前提的水源記錄。如果寫成the water就是泛指所有的Iowa州內的水。

以原來的 in a river in a countryside 來說,"a countryside"在這裡指的是"某處鄉間的某(一塊)地方",用"the countryside"也可以,只是這時是泛指(所有)鄉間,有種好像"只有一個鄉間"的感覺。
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Re: "No swimming!"

台灣英語網1.0 » 週五 8月 21, 2015 4:58 pm

I feel deeply touched by both of your great help and guidance. The following is my revised article. I hope you will like it. I am looking forward to your opinions and corrections on it. Thank you again! :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Topic: "No Swimming!" (Swimming in the wrong place)

The weather was very hot last Sunday. In order to cool myself down, I decided to drive to the countryside to swim in the river because the scenery there was so beautiful. Moreover, I thought it would be a lot more relaxing and less crowded, compared with going swimming in the swimming pool.

I was so excited that I jumped into the river immediately without any warm-up exercise(s?). Suddenly, I felt that both of my legs were so tired that I was having a hard time moving them. In addition, I swallowed a lot of water and almost couldn't breathe. At that time, I got extremely nervous and scared, so I tried to shout out “Help! Help!” as loud as I could, hoping I would be rescued.

Fortunately, a kind man was walking by and heard my cries for help. He was so brave that he jumped into the river without hesitation to save me from drowning. After pulling me out of the river, he was kind of angry with me and said, "Hadn't you seen the "No Swimming!" sign near the river?" I could tell that he was blaming at my carelessness, yet I still thanked his kindness for saving me from such a dangerous situation.

I learned a lesson from this, that is, before we go swimming in an unfamiliar place, do not forget to look around our surroundings in order to make sure it is safe to swim. Besides, it is better for us to do some warm-up exercise in advance. We can also invite our friends to go swimming with us instead of swimming alone.
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Re: "No swimming!"

台灣英語網1.0 » 週五 8月 21, 2015 4:58 pm

Not bad! 故事性也強了些,更吸引人閱讀。

P1.
1. ...to swim in the river --> to swim in a river
這個river是第一次提到,不可以用"the"。如果之前已經說了,然後這裡要再次提時才可以寫"the" river.

P2.
第一句的the river就用對了。
warm-up exercise可以不加s,要加也可以(表示你做了很多種; 沒人在注意這細節啦,因為這也不是這文章的主題)

P3.
Fortunately, a kind man was walking by and heard my cries for help.
這句沒錯,只是讀起來有點怪,當然你可以不改。
建議改成 ...a (kind) man who was nearby heard my cries (for help).

好處是直接把重點放在"他聽到你的呼救",然後who was nearby單純的代表這人的狀態。
原句是用and區隔開兩個子句,是兩個地位相同的動作,容易"模糊焦點"。然後"怪"的地方在於如果這人是"was walking by",如下圖,walk by是經過你,經過你所在的位置等等,都已經是在你旁邊走過,應該是直接看到不需要用聽的吧。

----(walk by的路線)----->

..................................
............X(you)............

"for help"有些多餘,因為前段已經提了,當然要加也沒問題。
"kind"也有些多餘,還沒遇到的人如何知道他是 kind? 畢竟他救了你是在文章後頭的事。當然要加也可以。

P4.
1. "Hadn't you seen..." --> Haven't you seen... 或是 Didn't you see...

2. 第二層引號用單引號:
"Haven't you seen the 'No Swimming!' sign near the river?"

3. I could tell that he was blaming at my carelessness....
"blame at" 不是一起的片語。at有它使用的場合,這裡用for更好。
I could tell he was blaming me for my carelessness...

P5.
I learned a lesson from this, that is, before we go swimming in an unfamiliar place, do not forget to look around our surroundings in order to make sure it is safe to swim.
在這裡寫do not forget沒錯,因為你是在提供建議,而且是你親歷的事,用這寫法在表達上更強烈,更適合。
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Re: "No swimming!"

台灣英語網1.0 » 週五 8月 21, 2015 4:58 pm

Thank you again, Glotynn and Djyang!

Honestly speaking, I am inspired a lot because of both of your helping me to write better with more suitable words and expression and because of your detailed explanations referring to the parts that I didn't understand quite well.

This time, besides the revision that you have suggested me, I added a little more details to my original writing to make it more like a descriptive story. Again, I am looking forward to your corrections and suggestions. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Topic: "No swimming!" 加寫細節篇

(1) Last Sunday, it was unbearably hot and humid even though I had all of the windows in my room open and had a big fan on. The stuffy room made me so uncomfortable that I thought of going swimming to cool down myself. Instead of going to a swimming pool, finally I decided to drive to the countryside to swim in a river, where has the breathtaking scenery and the fresh air. Moreover, I thought it would be a lot more refreshing and less crowded there, compared with the indoor swimming pool, which I went to quite often on the weekend.

(2) As soon as I got the destination, the beautiful view of the river caught my eye. Because of my great excitement, I couldn't wait to immerse myself in the cool, wavy water, and then I jumped into the river without even doing any warm-up exercise. At that moment, I was setting free like a carefree bird with the nature embracing me. While I was enjoying swimming, both of my legs felt so sore that I was having a hard time moving them freely. Getting extremely nervous and scared, I tried to shout out “Help! Help!” as loud as I could, hoping I would be rescued.

(3) Thankfully, a man who was nearby heard my cries. He bravely jumped into the river without any hesitations, so I was saved from drowning. Nevertheless, after pulling me out of the water, he was kind of angry with me.“Before you swim, didn't you notice the‘No Swimming!’sign near the river?”said the man with his serious voice and face. I could tell that he was blaming me for my carelessness. I almost shed tears while facing him, but I hid them running down my face and tried to be as calm as I could.“Thank you so much for getting me out of this dangerous situation,”I replied sincerely. At last, my words melt his anger away, and he became more friendly and made sure I was fine before he left.

(4) I felt that I was so lucky to meet such a kind man to save me even though I was just a stranger for him. He could have left me alone, but he didn't. My entire mind was filled with the gratefulness toward him while I was driving home. That man taught me a good lesson, that is, before we go swimming in an unfamiliar place, we should be aware of our surroundings to make sure it is safe to swim. Also, it is better for us not to go swimming alone in case something emergent happening but no one is there to help us. Besides, we should do some warm-up exercise in advance so that we can prevent our bodies from getting hurt.
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